


taken by sleep

by orphan_account



Category: Vocaloid
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Experimental Style, Flashbacks, Gay Sex, Homophobia, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Mental Breakdown, Multi, Not Happy, POV First Person, Past Relationship(s), Religious Content, Suicidal Thoughts, little death fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-06
Updated: 2017-02-18
Packaged: 2018-06-06 16:54:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6762304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>after the death of kaito shion, not many lives are affected to the point of the owners of those lives wanting to die themselves.<br/>but, there is one boy who lets it get to him. and that boy's name is len kagamine, the late shion's lover.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. bye

**Author's Note:**

> this was all very, very, VERY new for me  
> a: i haven't really ever written sad stuff? i've done it for school assignments and in jokefics but i've never actually sat down and written real angst  
> b: i've never written from 1st POV. period.  
> c: i've never written a fanfiction (loosely) based off a song (then again this is probably just inspired by songs lmao).  
> it's all new territory for me so bear with me if it sucks
> 
> also, the song this fic was inspired by:  
> taken by sleep- tyler joseph

"this is a story  
about a scarlet letter."

This was all so wrong.  
All of it. The crisp tuxedo he was wearing. The way his arms were folded. How his hair was combed straight. Even the way he was laying.  
He never laid that way when he was sleeping. Always on his side, and never on his back. Yet, that was the way they'd placed him.  
Even this church we were in. He'd always told me that if he was able to choose a place to have his funeral at, it would be a nicer place than this. A meadow of daisies and lilacs, or maybe a clearing in the middle of the forest. He'd even joked that he'd rather have his funeral on mars than in a church.  
And yet, here I was. Kneeling and praying to a God I didn't believe in to appease his relatives.  
"Rise." The priest broke me out of my brief respite from the sad scene going on in front of me. I got up, blinking and putting on an emotionless face again.  
"If anyone would like to pay respects before the burial, file up the middle of the pews right now, please."  
I shuffled away from my seat, and began walking up to his coffin. A woman cried over him before being pulled away by what I presumed to be her husband. As I waited in line, I grumbled under my breath about how fake all of these people "grieving" were. Crying over a nephew, a second cousin, an uncle they never got to really know. None of them knew him as well as I did. None of them suspected if he saw what was going on, he'd probably laugh at it. At how cliche it was.  
It was my turn. Swallowing a sudden lump in my throat, I walked to the coffin and stared down at his body.  
His eyes were closed. I'd never get to stare into them again. His expressionless face conveyed thousands of words to me about his death. Unneeded. Uncalled for. Unfair. Many "un"s. His pale skin had not even a speck of dirt on it. His tuxedo looked like it had gone under the most powerful iron in the galaxy. It was so... Unlike him.  
This was not the boy I knew. The boy I knew always had some sort of dirt on him, never wore smooth clothes, and never had a day where he'd convey less than at least a thousand expressions with his face.  
I suddenly broke down, falling to my knees and grabbing onto a nearby chair for support. Feeling tears begin to form in my eyes, I slowly helped myself up, and guided myself back to my seat like nothing had happened. Ignoring stares and such.  
"That concludes the funeral service of our beloved Kaito Shion. He will be deeply missed by all of us, but it is only his physical being that has left us. His spiritual life will forever be with us."  
Bullshit.

I carpooled with a few crying relatives of Kaito home. After saying goodbye to them, I ran into my home and threw my tuxedo coat to the floor. I heard my sister's footsteps as I collapsed to the ground, weeping silently.  
"Len. Are you okay?"  
"...I'm fine."  
"You sure don't seem like it. Did you get emotional at the funeral?"  
"...No. Leave me be."  
She frowned, a concerned look glazing over her eyes. I knew that Rin meant well, but she didn't really know how I got through these types of things. I preferred to be left alone.  
"Fine. Just come up to my room if you need to talk, okay?"  
"Yep."

My room had been cleaned by Rin while I was gone. The bed was made, a few stuffed animals littering its blankets. Pictures straightened out, and miscellaneous trinkets left untouched.  
I walked over to a chair in the corner of my abode. Sinking into it, I closed my eyes. Memories washed over me like waves. About him.  
He was a fun-loving guy. He always had a smile on his face. His favourite food was vanilla ice cream. His hair was parallel to the shade of blue that coated his pupils. He was tall. Taller than me and Rin. He believed in ghosts. He loved to watch the sun set with me, laying next to me on a grassy hill.  
And lastly, his eyes were the most beautiful things I had the privilege to lay my eyes on.  
They were the kind of eyes to say a million words. Not words that began with "un", but vibrant, creative words.  
Enigmatic.  
Bewitching.  
Captivating.  
Words like those.  
They were the kind of eyes to take one look at someone and know exactly what they needed. All-seeing, of some sort.  
Eyes I loved.  
I began slipping in and out of consciousness on the chair, memories still flooding my brain.  
As I slipped away, there was still a faint, fleeting image of him engraved into my brain.


	2. i think you're really beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sweet dreams are made of this  
> who am i to disagree?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aAAAAAA I'M NOT DEAD  
> sorry about the delay i wrote the end of this chapter on a cup of coffee and the new twenty øne piløts song on repeat at 2 am  
> sorry if it sucks?

The image of him slowly disappeared, replaced by a sudden dream.  
A cold, white hallway winded around my field of vision. Teenagers walked out of, into, and away from doors. A light whisper flickered among the room.  
I shuffled along, being pushed aside by taller folks every now and then. Staring down at the floor, I checked the time on my phone, and realised it was around the time that school wrapped up.  
I would walk home with him.

"Hey, Len!" I heard that voice I longed to hear moaning my name.  
He was wearing a red football jersey, and old, wrinkled jeans with equally old, black sneakers. And, of course, he was wearing a smile.  
"Hey, Kai." I was the only one who could call him Kai. It was a name restricted for the closest of friends.  
"Might as well, uh, get going, right?"  
"Sure....?"  
"You don't have anything you need to get home early for, do you?"  
"No."  
"Alright. Come on. I wanna show you something."  
He was so unpredictable, but I loved that about him. All of his quirks and flaws became null in my eyes. He was the perfect man.  
I loved him so much. My heart couldn't take it.

"Right around here was where I wanted to take you. We're almost there..."  
He pulled me up the last part of the steep hill we'd climbed. The sky was a lovely blue, with clouds dotting my line of view. I loved laying on hills like these. Kaito knew me too well.  
"The sky is beautiful today."  
"Yeah... perfect for watching the, err, clouds roll by."  
We laid in silence for a bit. The clouds crawled along, kind of like floating inchworms.  
"Len... I... I've got something I need to tell you. I... I feel like I'm going to scream if I keep it a secret any longer." He turned towards me, a serious look seated on his face.  
"What is it, Kai?"  
He took my hand in a gentle grip, staring into my eyes.  
"I don't care if you think it's unnatural. I don't care what your sister would think. I don't even care what my mum would think. I... I really like you, Len. One could classify it as, err... love, even."  
His face was the same shade of red that I felt on mine, and he stared at me, hope in his eyes.  
"Am I dreaming?"  
"Huh?"  
"This is too good to be true. I'm gonna wake up any minute now."  
"Len..."  
"Sshh... any second, now..."  
Realising it wasn't a dream, a smile fell on my face. I embraced Kaito, my arms wrapping around his chest and pulling him close to me.  
"So, is that a yes?"  
"Of course it is, dumbo!"

And that was when I opened my eyes to see the ceiling staring back down at me.  
I'd dozed off. How disappointing.  
I felt like there was someone with a tight grip on me still, though. It strangely felt like the way Kaito would hold me.  
I shook it off, and got up from the chair.  
Rin knocked at my door.  
"Len, may I come in? I brought some water and, err, food up. If you don't feel like you can eat, you should at least drink something." She opened the door, and walked in after she stared at me for a few seconds.  
"You dream about anything?"  
"Him."  
"Kaito?"  
"Yes."  
"The usual dream?"  
"Mmm hmm. It still hurts just as much as it did the first time, though."  
"I know what you're going through." She put a cup of water and an apple on my desk; she turned to me.  
"You don't."  
"Kaito was a good friend of mine. His death is affecting me as much as it is affecting you."  
"Yea, yea. Kaito was your good friend. Try lover. Try soulmate. Try future husband. Imagine having your significant other perish before they should have, for silly reasons."  
"...Len..."  
"You don't know what it's like! You don't know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night, to reach for him, to only find a blank space in your bed! You don't know what it's like to go past buildings we used to walk to together! You... you don't know..." I fell to the ground. I didn't know why I chose Rin of all people to lash out at, but I felt a little better.  
"...I won't try to pry. I know you and Kaito were very close as boyfriends. I'll leave you be for the time being... I think that'll be the best for you."  
She helped me up, and guided me to my bed.  
"Yell if you want me to come up. For anything."  
She closed the door behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment about what you guys want to see next for this fic


	3. you're the reason i believe in ghosts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bus ride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whhhOOOOOOOoooooOoooOooOo i will Not let this fanfic die it is the Only lenkai fanfiction that doesn't use japanese honorifics i've seen  
> i hit a writer's block for like a month or smth so i apologise for the lack of updates  
> but you better prepare yourself (;^)) for chapter 4 because *cracks fingers* lEn's gonna be sad af and there's gonna be Lots Of Triggering Shit

I heard the sound of an alarm to wake me from a seemingly dreamless sleep.  
Once I shut it off, I noticed it was 7:00 AM. Rin must've set it for me. I rubbed my eyes.  
It had been a few weeks. I'd hardly ate, and drank nothing but water. And even then, I barely drank. I slept a lot, and didn't use my phone or television at all.  
She was worried, that was for sure. That was self-explanatory.  
I sat up in bed, and heard my door crack open.  
"Hey, Len. Dream about anything?"  
"No."  
"That's good. You might be getting a bit better."  
I didn't respond. She knew that this would take a long time for me to recover from.  
"Do you feel up to going to school today? I asked the principal, and he said the school won't count the days you've spent in bed as absent days. However, he is getting impatient."  
"...Fine." Kaito would want me to go.

I got dressed.  
I looked in the mirror. My hair was greasy and messy. I hadn't combed nor washed it in weeks, not since the funeral.  
I decided to comb it. It would still look bad, but it wasn't like the school's opinion of me would get any lower. That's kind of what happens when you go to a school with primarily Christian students.  
"Fag". "Fruitcake". "Homo". "Pansy". Those were thrown at me daily at school. Of course, they silenced themselves if I was around Kaito. He was big enough to be intimidating. Scared the vultures away, if one were to use colourful language. I, on the other hand, am not that gifted physically. My build is much like my sister's.  
I remember being hit on by a boy once at prom, who proceeded to take me out back and kick the living shit out of me when I told him I was male.  
Kaito found me that night. We were still just friends, and he'd taken some girl with pigtails to prom. A platonic date, apparently.  
But, having a girlish build, a high pitched voice, and some feminine tendencies can lead to hell when it comes to highschool. People assume you're gay, and beat you down, whether that's true or not.  
"Len, are you ready?" Rin yelled from downstairs, bringing me back to earth from my tangent.  
"Yea, okay." I ran downstairs.

"You sure you feel up to it?" She said, a concerned tone distinguishable.  
"Kaito would want me to."  
"Just because he'd want you to doesn't mean-"  
"Shut up." I walked out, going to the bus stop and crossing my arms.  
She didn't say anything.

I sat in my little corner of the bus. My backpack was put where Kaito would've sat. Next to me. I'd always have the window seat. Lots of mornings, on the ride to school, I'd lay my head on Kaito's shoulder and close my eyes. He made for a good pillow.  
If I do the same thing with my backpack, I can convince myself he's still here at times. With his arm around me, reassuring me that everything's going to be okay.  
The bus started moving. Rin sat down with her friends.  
\---  
"Len. You dozing off again?" I heard my boyfriend say, putting an arm around me.  
"Mmm, probably. Stayed up for a long time last night."  
"What were you doing?"  
"Studying and watching anime. Mostly anime."  
He laughed. "You really need to get your sleep schedule off Tokyo Time."  
"Over my dead body."  
"Hopefully that never happens." He pulled me close, and I let out a satisfied hum. The bus went over a bump.  
"My great grandmother told me I was going to hell yesterday."  
"Amazing. We'll go together."  
"Hopefully. I hope at least you get into Heaven."  
"Now that I think about it, that's probably where you'd be. You're amazing."  
"So are you."  
"I love you so much, Kai."  
"Love ya to the moon and back."  
"I love you to mars and back!"  
"Pluto and back!"  
"To the edge of the galaxy and back!" I giggled.  
"Alright, you win. Want a prize?" Before I could say anything, he turnt my head towards his and pressed his lips to mine.  
It was short, sweet, and filled with passion.  
I only wanted more when he pulled away, but I knew we couldn't go into a full-blown make-out session. Kids would notice.  
I decided to just snuggle with him. My hand slipped into his.  
"I really do love you from the end of the galaxy and back."  
"Me too, Len. Me too."  
\---  
I missed little things like that. I really did.  
I missed the way he'd laugh. The way he'd never get angry. The way he'd always blush a bit when he smiled. The way he felt curled up around me in bed, breathing slowly, calmly, peacefully.  
I missed him.

"Uh, Len? It's time to get up." I felt Rin shaking my shoulder, and I instinctually recoiled. When people shake my shoulder, they're usually not being friendly.  
"Alright." I got up, and slung my backpack over my shoulder.  
Taking one last look at the seat before heading to school, I filed off the bus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: i finished this chapter at 4 am  
> PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS I AM DESPERATE FOR FEEDBACK  
> also i have been listening to an indie band called starry cat a lot recently  
> their songs fill me with Inspiration for angst  
> in fact i name lots of stories/chapters of stories after their songs  
> go check them out


	4. brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "and brother, if you have the chance to pick me up?  
> & can i sleep on your couch, to the pound of the ache and pain?  
> oh, in my head, 'cause i'm awake, all night long, to the drums of the city rain."
> 
> -brother, gerard way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i finished this chapter on the surge of inspiration i got from the song brother by gerard way sOOoOo

The hallway was filled with teenagers. Girls with sundresses on, some of them wearing shirts and pants. Boys with sports jerseys, glasses, sweaters, khakis.  
I mean, I fit in, with my attire being glasses and a t-shirt advertising a band I didn't even listen to anymore. Salvia Palth, or something like that. I remember that when things got rough at Kaito's home, he'd sneak out through his window and come to my house.  
Rin wouldn't say anything when he went into my room. We'd listen to indie and rock until we fell asleep.  
Good memories. I smiled for the first time in a while.  
I really did miss him. He would say that my smile's beautiful, and a frown doesn't suit me. He was cheesy and cute like that.  
I smiled for him.

"Class, today we'll be talking about intercourse." The health teacher droned. I heard a few snickers from immature people.  
"I understand that this is an untouched subject for some, and a well-traversed one for others. I'd like for us to be mature for once, during this class."  
People mumbled in agreement. I doodled a small cat on the margin of my notebook.  
"Now, when a female- or male- loves a male- or female- they'll be drawn to engaging in intercourse with them if they are not asexual, which is the fancy word for not wanting to have sex with anyone."  
My liberal health teacher, everyone.

"That was certainly a weird class." I heard Rin say as I walked out beside her.  
"People need to learn the circle of life. I swear I heard a few people whisper homophobic slurs when he started."  
"Whatever. Oh, look, Miku's coming! She's been so worried about you." Rin's eyes lit up as a certain pigtailed girl tackled me from behind.  
"Len! Ohmygosh, I'm so glad you're okay!" She let go of me, smiling. "Luka said she'd be fine with giving you lessons on anything you missed while you were sick after school. You know her... I wish she'd branch out from things besides chess club and that whole intellectual society thing, but I guess that's who she is!"  
Luka's a very smart woman. I connect with her a lot, and our personalities are quite alike, but I'd consider us to be nothing but acquaintances teetering on the verge of friendship.  
Miku, on the other hand, prefers a social life over her studies. She scrapes by, with Bs and Cs, but I wouldn't call her a good student. I don't know how she even became friends with Luka. Opposites attract, I suppose.  
By the way, that whole thing Miku said about me "being sick"... white lie. Rin told anyone who asked that I had pneumonia, or the chicken pox, some disease that sounds threatening like that. Miku and Luka are the only two that know the true reason behind my absence, and that's only because they knew Kaito before his accident.  
Miku was his cover-up girlfriend before he confessed to me, and she was a great friend of his.  
Luka was his study buddy.  
"Len, come on. Class is gonna start soon!" Miku took my hand and began leading me to my next class. I remembered that she had this class as well.  
"So, I haven't seen you since the funeral! Tell me about what you've done in the meantime. Read any good books? Watched any good movies or shows?"  
"I slept." Miku knew I wasn't like her. I couldn't just lose a huge part of my life and be fine a few weeks later, talk about it like a memory from a few years ago. Why'd she ask me something like that?  
"Oh. I read the new Harry Potter book. Cursed Child? The one where Harry has a son? They're going to make it into a play. I'm real excited!" She started rambling. Miku might not be bright, but she knows everything about Harry Potter. I admire her a little for her dedication, actually.  
She probably wrote "My Immortal".  
Ha, ha, jokes.

I decided to take Luka up on her offer of tutoring after classes ended, so I started to make my way to the library. You could always find her in there.  
Probably reading War and Peace or something.  
I sulked into the room. As expected, Luka was sitting at a table, a copy of The Hobbit opened to a page well into the hundreds. I cleared my throat, and she barely looked up before returning to her novel.  
"Miku told me that you've offered to tutor me."  
"Tutor? I'm just going to help you catch up. I don't know if that counts as tutoring, but.."  
"Meh."  
"How are you feeling?"  
"Sad. Just sad."  
"That's normal for a boy your age who lost someone they were close to. A parent, a sibling, a lover... you're going through the normal grieving stages."  
"There's five, correct? Denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and acceptance. In that order."  
"Right."  
"I only seem to be feeling, well, sad. Seems like I've skipped over the first three stages."  
"It might seem like that for you. The first three stages could've been brief."  
"I suppose so."  
"Before we get started, I'd like to let you know that if you feel sad for an extended amount of time, that might not be your grief. That might be depression. Common after a loved one's death. Let me know if you think you've got it."  
"Mmm hmm." Luka was studying to be a psychiatrist. She'd probably make me her little lab rat if I told her, so I made a resolution to not give in to that.  
"Let's get started. I've created a study guide for you..."

Luka had been quite thorough. Though I appreciated that, what I didn't appreciate was walking home at 5:30 pm. She'd gone on for three hours.  
I noticed a little path formed in the small forest in my neighbourhood. Stopping, I reasoned that I was late already, and began to walk down it.  
This path seemed familiar. That tree... the stump... I could see a small lake nearby.. I brushed it off, though. I'd been in quite a lot of forests- though not this one-, and they all looked the same to me.  
I must've been walking for a long time. I was getting tired, and began to hear crickets chirping.  
Looking around, I realised I was lost. What a bummer.  
My first instinct was to cry out for a close friend or family member. But, Miku, Rin, and Luka were away. So was Kaito, in a sense...  
Didn't he love forests like these? He was a bit of a hippie. He loved nature. He'd take me through them, and point out different species of trees, plants, insects.  
It made me smile. I noticed a bush growing some flowers. Walking over, I crouched down and stared at one of the buds.  
Hyacinth. Violet, narrow-necked flowers. Kaito loved these.  
He never picked flowers, though. One of his hippie tendencies. "All lives have meaning", he'd say.  
I smirked. When I stopped crouching, I noticed a pathway.  
"Something's better than nothing." I started making my way down it.  
It took a while, but the path took me out of the forest and back where I came from.  
I checked the time.  
8:33 PM.  
Had I really been out that long? I started running home.

I finally reached my home. Using my key, I unlocked the front door and tiptoed in.  
"Rin? Are you there?"  
"...Len? Is that you?"  
"Yeah."  
"...I thought y-you killed yourself." She walked towards me. Her face was red, and she had a blanket wrapped around her.  
"No! I wouldn't ever do something like that." We both knew, however, that I would. To be able to spend time with him again, I'd give anything. I was a selfish brat like that.  
"I-I just thought that, since-since it was your first day back, it was t-too much for you... too many m-memories..." She was clearly holding back tears.  
"It's a lot for me to handle, I admit it. I kept on pointing out places in my mind. I'm fine. It still is painful, but I'll make it through." I was reassuring her and myself.  
"I was just s-so worried. Brother..." She hugged me close. "If you need anything. Please. Tell me."  
"I swear, I'm fine. You look like a nervous wreck. Go get some rest, okay?" I put my arms around her, embracing her for a second before backing away.  
"Are you sure?"  
"I'll be fine!" I grinned slightly.  
"...Fine. Goodni-goodnight, brother. I love you." She started walking to her room.  
"I love you too."  
I hummed for a second. I didn't deserve such a caring sister.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS  
> YOU CAN LEAVE A COMMENT THAT SAYS "FUZZY PICKLES" FOR ALL I CARE I JUST NEED F E E D B A C K


	5. intoxicated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get steamy, but also angsty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah they fuck  
> i wrote this when i hit a writer's block on a story i'm doing for creative writing so like  
> maybe i'll turn this in instead lmao  
> also yes that title is referring to the yuri on ice soundtrack  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atkRoGLJ6ow

The rain fell on the nearly-frozen over windowpanes, crosses separating the glass. It was almost like snow during Christmastime, only a bit depressing.  
It could nearly lure someone to sleep, as it was doing to me as I sat in the armchair near the small television.  
I did not know what the time was, nor did I care. I only had the numerous stars and the luminous moon to gesture to me the time of day- or night, if we're getting technical here.  
I decided that if I was going to fall asleep, I might as well be in bed. I got up, the old chair creaking from being released from my weight. I made my way to my room.  
The next thing I knew, I was slipping to sleep.

We were both sitting on the couch. My head was resting on his shoulder.  
He let out a sigh. I heard a question fall from his lips.  
"Len. Are you a virgin?"  
It was quite out of left field.  
"Uh, yeah."  
He smirked.  
"I'm not."  
"Really?"  
"I mean, it was with a girl. I didn't enjoy it. It was... Like putting the wrong piece of a puzzle in. It's supposed to be right, but... It just doesn't feel right."  
His hand inched down the collar of my shirt.  
"Do you think you'd be up for it?"  
"Uh..."  
"I need solid consent."  
I hesitated.  
"Yes."  
"Are you sure? I'm not gonna stop when I start. You have no idea how long I've been waiting to do this..."  
"Yes!" I said, more confidently this time.  
His lips collided with mine. I could feel him unbuttoning my shirt.  
I was pushed onto my back by his force, my eyes squeezed shut, relishing in our combined heat.  
He suddenly pulled away as I felt my shirt come off.  
"Let's go to your room."  
I could tell he was restraining himself from the low, sexy growl he talked in. Barely, but restraining himself.

I didn't feel like I normally did.  
I felt... How do I describe it?  
Needy. I threw my head back, resting it on the pillow on my bed, panting like a dog and running my fingers through his hair.  
He scattered kisses across my chest, teasing me by resting a finger on the tip of my erect dick.  
I stared at his face. Those merciful sapphire eyes I were used to staring into had taken on a new, dominant look. It was hot, that was the only way I could describe it.  
"Mine."  
He bit down on something near my thigh. It hurt. A lot.  
"You're all mine."  
I was... Strangely into it.  
"K-Kaito..." His name escaped my lips. He growled. I guess he seemed to take pleasure in how submissive I was acting. How my voice curled around his name.  
He removed his own pants, hastily, deliberately neglecting my throbbing erection and turning me forcefully on my back. The way it grinded on the sheets hurt quite a lot, almost like a burn.  
It only sent more chills through my body. I gripped the sheets. I could feel him positioning himself. I gravitated towards him, letting out a soft mewl at the way he felt against me.  
We met gazes. He didn't prepare me at all.  
He kissed the back of my neck, letting my ponytail down and letting my slightly-long blond hair fall to my neck as he went in dry.  
I'm going to spare any details of what this felt like. We don't want a fifty shades of grey thing going on here. Keep in mind, I was a virgin at this time.  
Let me summarise it in a single word:  
Animalistic.  
He clapped a hand around my mouth before I could scream, out of a mix of pain and pleasure. It burned at me. I wanted more. I needed more.  
I had a feeling that he needed more, too, from his thrusts, fast and strong. He moaned.  
He still hadn't found that one spot. I was starting to get annoyed.  
"You feel so fucking good..."  
He let out in a low whisper. I whimpered.  
It was embarrassing, how it hurt so much, yet how I wanted more. I could feel something in my penis tightening as I pushed against him. He grunted as he continued to thrust, biting his lip to stifle a moan.  
Suddenly, it was as if an angel themselves had come down- I was blinded in pleasure. He had found it.  
I could feel something milky coming from my penis, spilling onto the sheets sharing its colour. Wasn't it called, uh, semen? I didn't remember, I didn't want to. Everything in the world to me right now was Kaito. I let out a moan. I kept calling his name.  
"Len. Inside, or.. or out?"  
It took him a while to figure out what to say. I turned my head around, staring at my boyfriend's face, relishing in the blush that had fell on his cheeks.  
"Inside... inside is okay."  
The steamy liquid spilled into me as he let out a long, loud, breathy moan. It felt quite good going in. I moaned, and I was suddenly glad Rin wasn't home.  
He collapsed onto me, breathing heavily, lifting his head slightly and planting kisses on my back.  
“I love you.”  
“God, me too, man. Me too.”  
“Did it hurt?”  
“A lot. Can’t you do any better? You do have experience in this field.”  
I didn’t know why I was teasing Kaito. I suppose I was genuinely curious about it.  
“Like I said before, last time, it didn’t feel right.”  
“That ain’t an excuse, man…”  
“Can you just be happy? I did my best.”  
He’d actually taken offense to it.  
“I was joking, I was joking, honey, I was joking…” I turned over to lay on my back, staring at his sweaty face. He did look quite handsome like that, but there was also a glint of anger in his eyes that I noticed. He had a pouty expression.  
I wrapped my arms around him, burying my face in his chest. He didn’t budge.  
“Was it a joke when you said you were okay with it?”  
“No, silly. I was joking when I poked fun at your performance, too, man.”  
“It didn’t seem like it.”  
He got up, casting me aside, making me fall back onto the bed. He started getting his clothes back on.  
“What’re you doing, babe?”  
“I’m going back to my house.”  
“Why? You always stay here. At.. At our home.”  
I attempted to get up from the bed, but pain shot through my body. I fell back onto the cushions, once again.  
“I… I just need to clear my head. Can you just not be so clingy for once?”  
He buttoned up his shirt, staring at me. He clearly meant what he had said.  
He was right. I was a clingy bitch. But I was his clingy bitch. I was what he had signed up for. Ignoring the stinging pain, I got up from bed, walking over to him and wrapping my arms around him.  
He pushed me off.  
“Just give me some space, bitch.”  
I didn’t respond to that. It wasn’t like him to get this angry.  
It also wasn’t like him to leave me there, with no apology, slamming the door.

I stirred from my sleep. That was a… Pretty bad memory to relive. It didn’t help that that was about a week before the accident. I feel like, everytime I remember that, I remember how I basically pushed him off the edge. He was such a shaky individual, and I was one of the few constants he actually had in his life. And I had to go and pull something like that. I never even apologised. Neither did he.  
I noticed I was crying. It must’ve started up in my sleep. I wiped the tears with the back of my hand, grabbing a pillow with my other hand to cling onto.  
“I’m sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god i'm getting close to writing the death scene i want to die  
> comment please!!!!  
> FUZZY PICKLES!


	6. tawagoto speaker / shinitagari

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len is a little shit; Rin finally stands up to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaa  
> so, i started this story almost a year ago so like i'm only getting better at writing from here.  
> i noticed rereading the older chapters that i sort of portrayed an unrealistic relationship. i mean i was 13 so that's an excuse but that's why i'm making kaito act like a dick in these recent chapters- i sort of wrote him as a mary-sue like character and although that could've been len supressing bad memories we all know it was just my incompotence  
> but yeah  
> it's 1:30 am i want to sleep really badly night
> 
> btw, yes, the chapter title is making a reference to two songs with those names.  
> i'm not sure i spelled the second one right but i'm too tired to check so the english is "wanna die" if i did spell it wrong

It was a saturday. Obviously, this meant there wasn’t any school, which was a bit of a relief since I barely had gotten any sleep. I sat at the kitchen table, nursing a bowl of cereal as I looked at something on my phone.  
Rin sat across from me, somewhat of a concerned look on her face. It was true that I hadn’t been eating for the past few weeks, so this was a bit of a jump for me- from nothing to an entire bowl of cereal.  
“Len, you feeling alright?”  
“As good as I’ve felt in the past months.”  
“That’s… pretty good. Perhaps you’re finally getting over it.”  
I had to admit, I was starting to think about him less. And… I was, say, idolizing him less.  
I was starting to see flaws that we had never addressed in our relationship.  
I basically hovered over him. He would frequently get annoyed by that.  
He got… offended easily. Sometimes I felt like I wasn’t even able to crack a joke without him storming out of the room.  
And after that night, he got more distant. He had started ignoring my “good morning” and “good night” texts. He sat farther from me at lunch. The only reason he would even get near me would be to get people who bullied away.  
I didn’t know why he did that, at least, at the time I didn’t. I started to remember one of those days as I lamented over my cereal.

“gmorning babe”  
I texted him that. For the third time in a row, matching “gmorning” and “gnight” texts that were left on read, that one adding to them.  
He hadn’t been on my bus lately. He might’ve started walking, or perhaps he switched buses. For the time being, I had started sitting with Rin and her buddies.  
“Len, what’s been going on with you and Kaito?”  
Miku asked me, keeping her bangs out of her face by using one of Rin’s many bobby clips to pin it up. She needed to get it cut, but I didn’t have enough of a backbone to tell her how awful it looked.  
“Nothing really. Kaito just is getting some space. I’m pretty clingy in nature, so…”  
“Yeah, you might be. But you can’t just let him ignore you like this! This is unhealthy!”  
“Miku is right. Abusive relationships can stem from someone in it ‘needing space’.” Luka backed the pigtailed girl up. I stared at the seat in front of us, which seated Rin and Luka.  
“I admit, you guys were definitely very hands-on during the first few months of your relationship, from what I’ve seen. You can still love each other a lot and maintain space, though.” Miku used a hand to raise my head up, staring at me with her aqua eyes.  
“Like, if I didn’t tell you, you wouldn’t even know Luka is my girlfriend.”  
“I didn’t know that!” Miku and Luka were already an odd pair of friends… But a couple? Opposites attract, I suppose.  
“Exactly! Even you couldn’t tell!”  
“We keep hands-on activities private.” Luka snickered. “We don’t make out on the bus. We show our love in less obvious ways.”  
“Kaito and I never did that!”  
“You totally did.”  
“Whatever. What’re you doing later tonight?”  
“Luka’s gonna cut my hair for me. Then, we might go to a restaurant, or watch a movie, or something, or…” Miku started rambling on.  
And, just like that, they had gotten my mind off of Kaito.

That was another fault. I didn’t care enough about him.  
“Len, your cereal is getting soggy.”  
Rin snapped me out of my flashback.  
“Oh. I don’t want it anymore, but thanks for letting me know.”  
Rin’s eyebrows raised in a confused expression. She sighed into her own cereal.  
“Len, you need to eat.”  
“I’m not hungry.”  
She slammed a hand onto the table.  
“Look at you! You’re scrawnier than a supermodel with anorexia! Just… Just fucking eat something. Come on. I’ll get you anything you want, anything you’ll stomach.”  
“Well, I’m not fucking hungry.”  
She buried her face in her hands.  
“I just can’t win with you, can I? I’ve been as patient as I could with you in these past few months. I lied to you about your grades. I coaxed you slowly back into school. I let you take vitamins instead of actually eating. But no, I’m the bad guy here. I’m the one who’s being insufferable.”  
I tried to cut her off, but she only got out of her chair, pushing it back angrily.  
“You need to get over that boy! You weren’t soulmates, there isn’t such a thing. He’s just your highschool sweetheart. You know what would’ve happened if he hadn’t fucking killed himself?”  
She walked over to me. I felt a lump forming in my throat at the bare mention of how he had gone out.  
“You would’ve dated for another year or two, and then, you would’ve agreed on just being friends. You would block each other on your phones. You would never hang out or speak to each other again. There is no way in hell you would marry your first boyfriend.”  
“Rin, I-”  
“No, no, no, let me finish! Our school is not homophobic, not in the slightest. That’s just a facade you’ve built up in your mind. Luka and Miku weren’t bullied when they were still dating. In reality, you two were just all over each other. Not like in the normal way. Every single fucking time you two were together, you would make out, tell each other you love them ten times, and have each other’s hands in a death grip. People were annoyed!”  
Rin had never been this riled up before. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t care about the tears spilling down my cheeks. I was a weak bitch who couldn’t have their flaws pointed out without bursting into tears.  
There was silence for a bit.  
“I… I didn’t mean to yell that much.” She panted.  
“No, I deserve it.”  
“Don’t start that-”  
“I’m clingy. I’m weak. I’m self-absorbed. I’m ignorant and condescending. Nobody even likes me!”  
“Stop trying to pull the pity card. You’ll get no sympathy from me right now. I… I just need to calm down.”  
She walked out of the house, making an effort to not slam the door.  
I felt weak. I didn’t feel able to even walk out of the room. I simply stared at the bowl of cereal sitting before me, hot tears falling from my cheeks onto my chest.  
I was a clingy bitch, and weak, and annoying. Self-absorbed. It would be better for everyone if I just fucking ended it. If I joined him.  
I shook my head. I still had a sister… Who hated me… And friends… Who didn’t hang out with each other...  
I… I still had...  
Who was I kidding?  
In a sudden surge of energy, I got up from my chair and started running out the back door. Everything was… less colorful, and I felt dizzy. Like I was going to faint. Tears still were welling up in my eyes.  
It was how I felt when I lost him, but on a smaller level. For one thing, I didn’t faint.  
I kept running. I was going to see him. I’d tell him what was going on. He would know what to do.  
He always did.

I had reached where he was. I would say lived, but I would be lying if I mentioned him and living in the same sentence.  
I reached his grave. On the stone was engraved some basic information.

“Kaito Shion  
2/17/99-4/3/16  
‘Bury me with ice cream.’”

I sat down besides it, leaning my head to rest on it. He was taller than me. It didn’t feel the same, but it was all I had.  
“Hey, babe. Things have been tough since you… fell asleep.”  
I hesitated. This was stupid.  
What else could I do?  
“Miku and Luka decided to just be friends. They do talk over the Internet, but… they aren’t, uh, able to see each other in person just yet.”  
I sighed.  
“Rin still hasn’t found anyone she likes. She thinks she’s an expert on romance, though. I don’t get her sometimes.”  
A brown, wilted leaf blew onto my head from a slight breeze. I resisted the urge to brush it off.  
“She… she yelled at me. I deserved it, though.”  
There was silence. Usually, Kaito would reply during this time. But, of course, there wasn’t anyone who was alive in the premises.  
“I just feel lost, you know? I’m thinking I want to sleep next to you.”  
Another gust of wind. A leaf landed right on my face.  
As I pawed it off, I noticed a stake of flower growing next to me. Hyacinth.  
As I have said before, they were… Kaito’s favorite flowers. I’m not sure if it was a coincidence or not, but I still was a little creeped out. I did not notice that beforehand.  
Another gust of wind. The hyacinth leaned toward me. The wind was surprisingly warm for autumn.  
I felt healed. Not exactly at peace, but I was in a better state of mind. I noticed I had stopped crying.  
“Thanks, babe.”  
I got up from near the gravestone. I decided to leave the two leaves with him.

Rin averted eye contact with me as I walked into the kitchen.  
After staring at her for a second, I walked to the fridge and opened it. She didn’t say anything as I took out an apple and bit into it.  
“Rin, do you want to go see a movie tonight? My treat. You can pick what we see.”  
She hesitated for a second, not trusting my sudden change in attitude.  
“Is this a joke?”  
“No. You know, you’re really an amazing sister.”  
I walked over to her, standing to the left of her. She continued to look down.  
“I’ve been really selfish lately. I want to figure out how to pay it back, you know?”  
I bit into the apple again, giving her some time to think about it.  
“...Sure. Uh, what about Doctor Strange?”  
“Are you sure you’re picking that because you want to see it, and not because it’s a movie I’d like?”  
“Yeah.” She nodded, along with it, though still avoiding my eyes.  
I smiled.  
“Doctor Strange it is, then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i guess you guys finally see why the "background relationships" tag is there now teehee  
> please. please. PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS I DONT KNOW IF IM GONNA EVEN CONTINUE THIS W/O FEEDBACK LMAO  
> fuzzy pickles!


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